looking back all these 20 years has made me realized one thing I’m still left unfulfilled with a lot of questions that keep injected to my mind from my voices and societal problems, politics and philosophy. I answer them with one thing so what of it. I mean there were a lot of things that go into my mind most of the time, probably not indirectly related to how I laugh maniacally to those who have been in skype for the last 2 days… probably its because I made a vow to keep my voiced shut and only being heard from time to time, just like how my english teachers told me that I’m a good writer its only that my GRAMMAR needs some huge fixing, of course I know that, and then a friend of mine in Collage told me that my Grammar is bad due to the result of having a lot of languages being taken in, but I thought to myself how would that be quite so I mean my local language grammar also sucks, Chinese grammar as well, then theres probably Japanese, and let’s not even mention English… come on who ever reads these posts makes me feel proud because, to a normal mind these can literally could fry someone’s brain even tvtropes tell me so <_< but to me its probably at best that this could be the case so that no one would understand me, then again I have to think back to my preparatory school years on where we started to learn basic sentence structure, I asked my teacher back then on where do I put my punctuation marks and how to use them, she told me if you think its a sentence then put a period on it. Yeah… just like that she answered my question which up to this day still affects me because I DONT KNOW WHAT A FREAKIN SENTENCE IS… yes? I mean sure its basically a subject-verbal agreement rule that I had to follow but until now I still don’t know how to use my punctuation marks, to the degree I made an entire autobiography into a single sentence paragraph thats about 2 pages long… with a font that could be comparable to size 10-11 monotype corsiva because I like to write in long hand writing, which brings me to a point on about meeting intellectuals who are apparently known to have these eccentric writing behavior a 25 page long paper that’s at best describe as a one paragraph per one sentence structure, I dont know why but I feel I have a bit of connection to them, then theres me ranting in Collage about how I was only forced to attend the Collage I’m in right now you know being a Multimedia arts student who until this point of time I don’t know what the heck am I even doing I know its already been 3 years since I started this Collage life and still I can’t see where I’m suppose to go, there’s also my conflicting interest because of this I have an interest in cooking, sociology, philosophy, psychiatry, economics ( my hate for money stems really deep down into this ), information-technology, music and my most hated politics and know what lets just say every single aspects of life, some where in the lines of what Leonardo of Vinci was known for being the “Renaissance Man”, or do I have to blame myself for being influenced by my father that I must know everything, which in-turn gave me a lot of options that I became lost on what to do, you know the saying of “Jack of all trades but a master of none”. And then theres my conflicting feelings about myself I mean sure I’m quite happy about my vow back in my 4th year of elementary that I will never marry and probably is still to an effect, but theres also what I could vaguely describe as the words of epiphany, things on what I say becomes true whether I like it or not, yeah… like how I can forecast weather in an expanse of 2-3 weeks and can still be 70% self-proclaimed accurate, and how by such scary incidence have led me to foretell the “bad thing” when we went to Canada which I went home immediately after setting on airport soil, you know the tsunami and the earthquake that recently hit Japan was also the same day we went to Canada which I better say the least kinda really made me laugh and shrug it off (you people might get angry at me but theres the feeling that people never believed in my words so I just kept quiet and just watch you people suffer just like how the “gods” probably wanted it or probably how I in my role wanted it to be), a lot of things I have lost in my life due to these incidents sure I call myself crazy Hemi calls me eccentric yet for some odd reasons I start to remind myself why did this came to be, I mean back when I was still a child everytime when I’m alone which is probably most of the time I hear a voice in my head that lulls me to deep sleep, it wasn’t until I grew older till I realized that its a voice of a “divine calling” perhaps a voice of a forgotten divine calling that made me see the past and future, that made me let’s say shatter myself into the third person, hell I tend to see myself in the over head view when I relax my eyes, who knows it might be the eyes of some other worldly being thats just checking on me and see how my life goes, and then theres the fact that as the years kept on passing more voices started to rise each of which is an eccentric character that gave me probably the intel about this world as I would say, then theres one time where I can describe as literally knocking at death’s door, but someway somehow there was no-one beyond that door but a not saying in the lines of “Buu Huu your cursed not to die so here you go have a scythe and go gather souls for me, and PS: your going to be responsible for ending this world” so here I’m ranting like having the voice of Yahtzee and Anthony Bourdain all together, yet I see myself if they ever voice my inner monologue it all seems to fit, probably because of the snarky sidelines they might put. Then there’s my reading as a hobby thing you know I’d still consider eroges as literary pieces especially in stories where characters who put a lot of their self-happiness into a locked zone (characters who feel that they themselves dont deserve such feelings like Mifuyu of koichoco) just to make the people around them happy I feel that kinda somewhere in myself which is why I tend to work for free (yes Hemi and Snoo and ZB hate me for this by working at an Apple store for free but none the less I also help in technical support for PCs even back then in my high school years being the only available computer technician such pity for a school), as of right now I’m reading Silver-Bullet’s Natsuyuki~summer_snow~ its kinda nostalgic for me because its probably of the childhood story till adulthood setting thats probably sucked me in, or perhaps subconsciously I also wanted these type of stories to happen to me because of a “lost childhood” after all I was quite alone back when I was little then theres the fact that I was bitten by our dog which kinda changed my life for the better and also when our house keeper got angry with me and banged my head against the floor that was scattered with BB pellets while laughing all the while who knows I might have long been broken by these incidents for reasons unknown or I developed a defense mechanism that can be lethal <_< after all it still does happen to me from time to time laughing like a maniac when in pain, the only given instance that it never happened was when I had a heart attack that lasted for 5 hours -_- failed some tests here and there because of it then again had to concentrate sleeping and shrugging the pain off cause I was in school herpa derp… it wasnt until the 3 o’clock prayer till the pain stopped, my religion teacher told me its probably a sign but who knows I only talked about it during the retreat on my 4th year and the heart attack incident happened like in 2nd year. and Here I’m talking about it in this blog post how unfunny -_-, and plus one more thing about that retreat whilst everyone having a night session and being emotional during the retreat I was looking at the sky and lo behold a night sky right after a super nova only me and my religion teacher saw this and we kinda liked the sight ahh the good times. probably to the people outside my inner circle they will find these things mundane but then again i also invited my friend who wanted to raise the Third Reich here in my country to look at the very night sky I saw but he sadly could’nt… I dunno why but probably somewhere in the lines that he was forced to attend the said session and can’t shrug it off due to his grades? or he was kept under watched… then again there was my sick roommate who I was taking care off. hah… I suddenly feel like being Hayate all over again, I can see myself in him despite the crossdressing part then again I see myself as not the same human as he is… so in the end this entire post is about 1.6K words and encounting I could perhaps stretch it more as like how I always do with my Essays which for some reasons some teachers give credit to and sometimes never make sense to begin with like this post for example herpa derp so here it is the ending of a rant which I could probably post another one as soon as I have the time again to rant.